Revolution Coaching

The Power of Appreciation

I’ve been re-reading Dale Carnegie’s book “How to win friends and influence people”. The first three chapters offer perhaps the most useful and persuasive skills a person could acquire for success in any field.

Principle 1: Never criticize. I know a few marriages that could benefit from building up their expertise in doing this.

Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation. We all know how good it feels to feel important!

Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want. This is the key to cooperation and most useful activity!

Criticism is a funny thing. It often feels good when we criticise others and yet if we bothered to look at the track record, we’d see that it almost never gets what we desire in terms of changed behaviour. The only thing criticism seems to serve is our own need to feel important, especially if we’re OK with satisfying that need at the expense of others.

Criticism is a momentary ‘feel good’, but it doesn’t stop there. It undercuts the other person’s self-esteem. In fact, criticism can provoke in the other person exactly what we DON’T want! Here’s an example. Over the last few days I’ve been dealing with a situation that is causing me a bit of stress. My muscles have tensed up a bit and I haven’t slept well. Those close to me have noted the disturbance in my usually light-hearted demeanour, and criticised me for becoming a grump. Funnily enough I was trying really hard not to be grumpy! But, the criticism had its effect – I immediately defended myself against the accusation of being a grump – to which they replied “See! You are a grump!!”

Scarily, if this pattern persists long enough, it will become the mind-map I and others use to view me, and I will have completed my journey to becoming a grumpy old man!

Fortunately, Carnegie has Principle No. 2 to rescue us. Appreciation is one of those treasures in life that we need to find much more of. I haven’t met anyone yet that doesn’t appreciate being appreciated. In a few extreme situations, such as when a person has been abused, their first reaction to appreciation is to deny it. Their mind-map of themselves has been shaped by that abuse so that they feel they have no value. An expression of appreciation contradicts that mind-map so they reject the expression in order to maintain personal integrity. I have had the great privilege of working with survivors of abuse in ways that ultimately see them literally change their mind, create a new sense of self-worth, and come to receive the appreciation of both themselves and others. The journey has been likened to one of death and resurrection.

Genuine appreciation, as opposed to flattery, honours both the giver and recipient. Both are lifted up in the sight of the other. The same principle I illustrated in my grumpy story applies here. We literally speak things into existence. So, if I offer appreciation, I will speak into existence raised esteem, value and honour. The person is more likely to continue the actions or attributes which I appreciate. In fact, any actions or attributes I may dislike, will probably struggle to find room to exist in the light of the more robust and regular practise of that which is appreciated!

Finally, Carnegie’s third Principle of arousing in the person an eager want. Sales people will flock to this one, but as a Coach, it is my bread and butter, and sets me apart from say a Consultant or Trainer.

If I come to your organisation, even at your request, and spend time analysing, measuring, observing and assessing, and then make recommendations about how to fix or improve your organisation, chances are you’ll pay me a lot of money for my wisdom, receive the report, do some of the things that are easiest to implement, and then shelve the rest.

Why would you waste all that money? Because you didn’t figure it out yourself. To quote a current GPS advert, “No one likes to be told where to go, unless they’re lost.” Even when the GPS has put me back on the right track, you can bet that I will take over again because I like to know that I’m in control.

As a coach, the most useful thing I can do is to ask my clients great questions, offer clear feedback and clarifying statements, and then let them come up with the brilliant answers. My clients are always in control of their answers and the direction they’re heading. Whenever I have done this, people make a list of actions they will take and generally complete all of them. Their completion rate is in the order of 90%-100%! Any consultant would be proud of those figures, as would any parent!

Even more exciting is the fact that on those rare occasions when an action hasn’t been accomplished in the manner planned, there has been something to affirm, an insight to gain, and a new action to put in place.

Without having to tell them to do anything, a coaching approach enables people to hit their goals with effectiveness, commitment and excitement.

Practising these skills of never criticising, genuinely appreciating and creating an eager desire will ensure at least three things: 1) People around you will feel great. 2) People will like to be around you. 3) People you influence will achieve more of the things they want.

Not a bad outcome! If you’d like to know more about coaching, or would like to be coached in reaching your goals, get in touch with Revolution Coaching here. Your first session is free so you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.